“The opposite of your most painful belief is your next step forward.” – Martha Beck
One of the most valuable things I’ve learned from life coaching is simply to observe my thoughts. For much of my life, I thought I was my thoughts. If I had sad or angry thoughts, my whole self-my mind, heart, and body—became sad or angry.
Once I began observing my thoughts, some patterns emerged. For example, when I made a mistake, I would fuss or berate myself. Rejection from others could send me spiraling. Other times, I noticed I would jump in to help those around me even when it was to my own detriment. These patterns began in childhood as a way to navigate the world. But as an adult, these patterns caused me to struggle with myself, and it was hard to move on.
Now that I was observing my painful patterns, instead of being overtaken by them, I began to see something new: the image of an intersection in my mind’s eye. I was standing in the middle of the intersection and could see several extending paths. Each path represents a well-worn pattern of thought. There was the “don’t make mistakes path” and the “people-pleasing path” among many others. I was very familiar with what it was like to go down these well-traveled paths. It was then I became curious about where other paths could lead.
I realized I could turn my painful patterns into new adventures by simply taking a different path. This is how it works:
Step 1: Recognize when the painful pattern is occurring.
My negative thought patterns are almost automatic. Someone disapproves, and I’m crushed. Things don’t go well, and I feel it is my fault.
Step 2: Envision taking the familiar path.
I know I’ve been down this path many times. I can feel the angst, the heaviness, the struggle of this path. I realize I don’t want to go this way anymore.
Step 3: Get curious about another path.
Breathe. Sink into my body and relax. Look around. Take a step away in a different direction. See what happens!
So what does taking a different path look like in action?
Most of us hate making mistakes. I go to great lengths to prevent making errors. Recently, I came home and found my husband had been shopping, something he rarely does. The first words out of my mouth were, “Oh, I wish you’d told me you were going shopping; there were some things you could have picked up for me.” My statement was loaded with judgment. I felt the heaviness of annoyance in my chest and shoulders. But I moved on, not catching the opportunity to look for a different path.
Two days later, on Valentine’s Day morning, there was a heartfelt card for me next to the coffee pot. Only then did I realize the purpose of his recent shopping trip. I felt awful and began to scold myself for being so quick to judge and speak. That’s when I recognized I had chosen the familiar path of self-loathing.
I paused, took a deep breath, and looked around in my mind for a different path. As I stepped in a different direction, a new thought occurred to me: “I don’t want to berate myself over this. I made a quick judgment in the moment because I was considering my own to-do list instead of looking at all the possibilities. It was an understandable misstep.” I felt my shoulders relax and my heart soften. The feeling of patience and understanding with myself felt like a gift. A bit of gratitude seeped in when I realized I could choose a new path. Then I went and hugged my husband full of gratitude for him and my new learning.
