My children were one and three years old when their dad and I separated and then divorced. Even though I had primary child custody, they spent every other weekend, one day during the week, and week-long stretches of time during the summer and holidays at their dad’s house. I worried about the impact of these frequent transitions and how different their experiences were at their dad and soon-to-be stepmom’s house. I thought consistency was important for children, especially young children. Having no control or input over what they ate, when they went to bed, how they were disciplined, and to whom or what they were exposed caused me tremendous worry and anxiety.
I was sharing my concern about this lack of consistency with a counselor. He asked if I had any worries about my kids’ safety, and I told him that they were physically safe and cared for. His next response rattled me. “Contrast is a good teacher. Trust them to observe and experience the differences they encounter. They’ll learn and grow from this.”
What? His advice was not what I expected or wanted to hear. What I wanted to hear was that I knew what was best for my children; more than their dad/stepmom did. Legally I was required to share time with my ex-husband and that alone was hard. But sharing control and allowing him and his future wife to influence them was much more unsettling. Many times, when I tried to work with my ex-husband or question the children about their time at their dad’s, I was met with resistance that caused even more conflict. Once I started to let go of that which I had no control and started focusing instead on the quality of my relationship and time with my children, I felt more at peace.
As our kids grew older, the less I interfered with their lives at their dad’s, the more responsibility they assumed for themselves. I realized they were managing the inconsistencies between the two houses quite well even though it was challenging at times. I encouraged them to notice the differences between the two homes. I encouraged them to observe adults in order to decide what qualities they want to emulate. The contrast in expectations, routines, time management, etc. was teaching them valuable lessons. The contrasts that our children were experiencing were also teaching me that the variation would allow them to interact with the world in more ways than I could provide alone.
Some years later when I was a principal, teachers often worried about their students’ lives at home. Was anyone reading to them, was there anyone seeing that homework was done, and were they getting enough sleep? When discussing the concerns with teachers, I found myself reflecting back my counselor’s advice: “Unless there are safety, abuse, or neglect issues, let go of what you have no control over. Instead, redirect your energy and expertise into the quality of the school day, making the time students spend at school not only educational but meaningful. Contrast is a good teacher. Know that your well-designed lessons in a psychologically safe learning environment will provide your students with contrast. Trust that your students will see, experience, and learn from the differences between school and home.”
My preferred definition for contrast is “the state of being strikingly different from something else in juxtaposition or close association.” In my mind, contrast can offer some intrigue and freshness, and new learning. Embracing contrast in my personal life and career feels more open than binary judgments which too often are my way vs your way, good vs bad, and lead to trying to control things/people/situations.
Consider for yourself:
- As a child or as an adult, what people, places, and situations have provided you with meaningful contrast?
- What did you learn from the contrast you experienced?
- What skills or habits do you want to emulate from the contrast you saw/see?
- In what ways can you be more open to experiencing contrast as a way to learn about new people and perspectives and to embrace change?
In both my personal and professional life, I have encountered moments where I was unable to create a predictable environment. Fortunately, my counselor’s advice helped me to see things differently. Allowing things beyond our control to drain our energy robs us and those around us of the opportunities to learn from contrast, to see things in a fresh, new way.
Very imperfectly, I learned to trust my children, allowing them to discover parts of life without me and then make decisions for themselves. Fortunately, they’ve grown up not emulating my sometimes unyielding need for consistency and predictability, but instead are more open to life’s opportunities and learning. They’ve had valuable opportunities and have had positive adults in their lives, including step-parents, that I alone could never have offered them. And for that I’m grateful. As for our students, we can empower them to find their way, while offering them contrasting experiences and relationships from which they can choose.
If you are struggling with family, work, or life situations that are causing you angst, try on coaching with me with a complimentary coaching session. Contact me at susanmwhitecoaching@gmail.com to schedule your first session.