Danielle’s adult stepson suffers from depression and impulsivity. Even though he has a college degree, is physically capable, and is cognitively bright, he has a hard time keeping a job, hoards items he finds in dumpsters, and struggles to maintain positive relationships. Before Danielle’s husband passed away, he repeatedly paid off his son’s credit card debt, encouraged him to get a job, and provided advice. Nothing seemed to help. Danielle sincerely wanted to help but she also felt some obligation to help him after his father’s death.
So many of us want to help others. It is difficult to watch family members or friends struggle with addiction, mental illness, debilitating disease, or who routinely make poor choices. Some of us are direct caretakers and some of us are involved more at a distance. I, along with numerous clients, love and care for these individuals but also experience frustration, anger, sadness, and rejection when circumstances don’t get better, despite our help.
Following are five strategies I’ve found helpful in understanding these emotions. Three of these strategies involve the head – thinking through the situation in a common-sense manner—and two strategies involve the heart – feelings we have towards ourselves and the other person.
Thinking Strategy 1: Why are you helping this person?
Getting clear with yourself about your own motivations will provide guidance when conditions are challenging or don’t go as planned. Danielle wanted to help her stepson because:
- Her stepson’s poor decision-making periodically left him in need of money.
- She truly cares for her stepson.
- She felt some obligation to help him since his father could not.
Thinking Strategy 2: What is the outcome(s) you are expecting as a result of your help?
Danielle:
- Hoped her stepson would get therapy, so he could learn to manage his life.
- Didn’t want to worry about her stepson.
- Wanted to make a positive impact on her stepson.
- Wanted to alleviate any of her guilty feelings for not helping him.
Being honest with herself about her intended outcomes, Danielle could see in her last three statements that she was emotionally invested in her stepson getting better. Her personal peace was tied up in what he did or didn’t do. As a result, when he continued to make poor choices despite her help, she felt frustrated and discouraged.
Thinking Strategy 3: Write down what is within your control and not within your control as related to the situation.
| Within Danielle’s Control | Not Within Danielle’s Control |
|---|---|
| – Her actions related to money, time, effort, resources, etc. | – Her stepson’s actions or inaction or feelings |
| – Her words | – Her stepson’s words/responses/or lack of |
| – Her expectations, hope, peace of mind | – His healing/or lack of |
| – Her love and compassion for her stepson | – His future |
| – Her ability to seek professional advice regarding her actions | – The resources he chose to take advantage of or avoided |
We can’t control what we can’t control. When we try to control what we can’t control, we end up with angst, fear, resentment, and sleepless nights.
Be sure your actions and words align with what is within your control and that you are not indirectly trying to manipulate what is within the other person’s control. For example, Danielle’s stepson went with her to visit/interview a few therapists. In the end, he did not seek professional help and this frustrated her. Taking advantage of professional help was within his control, not hers.
Our responsibility lies in what we can control. Danielle realized in coaching sessions that her expectations are just that – her expectations. Her hopes were her hopes, not her stepson’s. Her peace of mind was not her stepson’s responsibility; it was hers. Taking responsibility for her own hopes, expectations, and peace of mind prevented her from depending on his actions to make her feel better.
Heart Strategy 1: See what you do/say as an offering.
An offering is something we give to someone without the expectation of anything in return. Taking stock of what she could control and what she couldn’t helped Danielle set some healthy boundaries. For example, she shared with her stepson that she planned to give him a monthly stipend for three months to help him get on his feet. He was not happy with the three-month limit.
Instead of feeling guilty or being influenced by his unhappiness, Danielle viewed the money she was able to provide as an act of love she was offering him. By considering her actions and her accompanying words as loving offerings with no expectations of how her stepson would or would not respond gave her more peace of mind.
Heart Strategy 2: Connect with love for yourself and for the other person prior to every action/offering.
We love and care for these friends and family members but how often do we feel and connect with that love when in the throes of supporting them? For Danielle, her love was often overshadowed by her desire for circumstances to improve.
This strategy activates our heart’s role: Before any action or communication, take a quiet moment to connect with love and compassion for yourself. Assisting or helping another can be stressful. Offering ourselves understanding, support, and encouragement when improvement is slow or doesn’t occur can be grounding. Statements Danielle would say to herself:
- Dang! This is hard.
- I’m doing the best I know how at this time.
- What do I need for myself in this moment?
- I am not the cause of his problems nor am I the solution.
- My actions/decisions are sensible and wise.
- I can hug my stepson. Listening may be the best thing I can do for him right now.
- My actions are an offering of love and concern regardless of how they are received.
Then revisit why you’re involved with this person and feel the love you have for them. Danielle connected with her love for her stepson by saying:
- I want to see his strengths.
- I want to see and love who he is behind his poor choices.
- I love him more right now than he loves himself.
- It must be hard to live in his life right now.
- There are resources available for him when he is ready.
Connecting with love and compassion calms us. It shifts us from flight, fight, freeze to rest and restore; from angst to acceptance. I do not want to understate the challenges of helping others. However, by using these strategies, Danielle gained more clarity which helped her make better decisions regarding her stepson’s situation and increased her peace of mind.
If you’re overwhelmed or troubled over helping a friend or family member, consider a few coaching sessions with me to find your own clarity and peace of mind. Contact me at susanmwhitecoaching@gmail.com.
