Several years ago, when I was an elementary school administrator, an unexpectedly large number of students enrolled in the fall. School had already been in session for three weeks when we realized that we needed to create a new second grade class to reduce the overall class sizes.
Forming a new class after the start of the school year can be gut-wrenching for students, parents, and teachers alike because they have bonded with each other and are settled into their routines. I also knew this transition could be more difficult for some students than others because of individual student or family challenges, some of which I may not even be aware of. As a result, we gave parents a feedback form to let us know if they would be willing for their child to go to the new class or if there were extenuating circumstances we should be mindful of.
As I reviewed the parent feedback forms, almost every single parent had reasons for not wanting their child moved to the new class. So, I was surprised when one mom stated, “Feel free to move Ben. He handles change well.”
Wow! I reread it a bit stunned. My reaction after letting this comment soak in was, “What a gift to give your children…the ability and chance to practice adapting to change.”
About a year later, on a dark, rainy evening, I encountered a similar situation. I was at a local mall when I ran into a colleague and her 15-year-old daughter. As we wound up our chat, she turned toward her daughter but said to me, “I guess we’d better go. This evening is a good chance for Amanda to practice driving at night in the rain.”
“What?” I thought. “You are going to let her drive in this weather?!” My colleague’s action was emotionally counter intuitive to mine. But as I thought about it, the more these simple comments from the mothers of Ben and Amanda were wake up call for me. I began to question my parenting practices.
I realized one responsibility of parenting is to give our children ample and appropriate chances to develop their skills and judgments with challenging circumstances. Balancing physical and psychological safety and security with taking on prudent challenges requires discretion. Most of us are pretty good at finding that balance when our children learn to crawl, walk, and talk. We do not push or pull or rescue them; we patiently give them room to test their skills. We allow and encourage numerous attempts or approximations. We do not fuss because our child doesn’t properly say “Daddy.” Instead, we savor the first “dada.”
But somewhere along the way, I shifted. I didn’t want my children to struggle. When they struggled, I struggled. More than anything, I wanted them to be successful and happy. And in my attempt to keep everyone happy and successful, I resorted to rescuing them. At first, rescuing my kids gave me much needed short-term relief. But over time, trying to prevent their mistakes, failures, and struggles took an enormous amount of my energy and mental space, and simultaneously deprived them the chance to learn from the situation in the moment.
Amanda and Ben’s moms reminded me that my children’s futures would involve many changes and challenges—and I wouldn’t always be there to support them. Instead of fearing and preventing my children from change, why not allow them to experiment with change while I was still in the wings to support their efforts?
I want my children to handle change and challenges. After all that is what life is. So how do we as parents equip them with the tools to adapt to change and embrace challenges as they encounter real life situations? How can we reshape our thinking, language, and parenting practices to allow that growth? Consider the following suggestions:
| Skills for Adapting to Change | Mindsets for Embracing Challenges1 |
| Model for your children how you manage change. You can’t always control change that your family will encounter, but you can control your own response. Show your children with your actions and share your thinking process as you come across the unexpected challenge. For example, “I have to use new software at work. At first, I was nervous because I hadn’t used spreadsheets before, but I have noticed that the more I practice the better I get at it.” | Normalize and celebrate challenge. Encourage your children and yourself to do hard things.Have each family member share regularly what they did that was hard that day. |
| Tend to the component parts of tasks but keep the long run view in mind. For example, each math word problem requires reading and comprehending the question, understanding the given information in the problem, deciding on a strategy, completing the problem, and judging the reasonableness of the answer. All component parts build a foundation for future tasks. | Focus on the process and effort not just the result. Instead of judging whether your child’s actions are successes or failures, see them on a step-by-step continuum. Consider adding, “not yet” to your comments. When your child says, “I can’t do quadratic equations,” chime in with “not yet.” “What’s the next step to build on what you already know?” |
| Listen to, accept, and process all feelings. If your children can’t safely process negative or hurtful feelings with you, they will draw their own, often immature and negative conclusions about themselves, other people, and academic areas. | Help them break big projects or tasks into small, attainable steps. Planning baby steps together with a calendar, white board, post-it notes, or chart can be helpful. |
| Monitor your own emotions/thoughts. Ask yourself if your own fear or discomfort is getting in the way of embracing change. Consult with a coach or counselor if needed. | View mistakes as valuable. “What can you/I learn from this?” Consider the upside of mistakes (yours and theirs). Model this mindset for your children. |
| Trust in their strengths. Keep their strengths, along with your own, in the forefront of your thinking. Keep their struggles (and yours) in perspective. | Ask questions and use nonjudgmental language. “What did you feel good about? Tell me more. What part do you think needs to be adjusted? What are you uncertain about?” |
| Balance past actions with future attempts. “Think about how much you know now for your next try.” Offer genuine/honest encouragement. | Acknowledge and reinforce effort. “Looks like you are taking your time on your math homework. I noticed that you were taking the time to check your work. That will help you catch errors and you will learn more that way.” |
| Reframe change as an adventure or a positive experience. “Think about all the new friends you will make” or “You’ve never done this before; I’m interested in what you find out from this experience.” | Discuss and negotiate appropriate risks. Discuss and jot down pros and cons of options. |
These skills/mindsets apply to me, as well as my children. My growth nurtures their development. We practice and learn together.
There’s much we can’t control in our world, but we can personally develop the tools and attitudes to navigate such upheaval. Without these new skills, mindsets, and adjustments these circumstances could overwhelm us. But with them, we can find in the hard times, the opportunities for innovation, personal growth, and learning. And yes, some success and happiness.
1These tools were inspired or noted from the work of Carol Dweck, psychologist, researcher, and professor at Stanford University. She is known for her work on Growth Mindset.
