Celine came to me for life coaching because her granddaughter Libby was “out-of-control.” Libby’s periodic drug use, disregard for her parents’ house rules, and poor academic performance kept Celine in knots during the day and awake at night. Celine stressed the importance of academic study, insisted that Libby choose her friends wisely, and she ran interference between Libby and her mom. She advised her daughter and son-in-law to set limits and follow through with consequences. Nothing seemed to help.
Sensing Celine’s frustration, in a coaching session I asked Celine to clarify what she had control of and what she didn’t in this situation. We used one of my coaching tools: a Control Chart. The chart below illustrates Celine’s thinking during our session:
| Within My Control | Not within My Control |
| I can listen/be a sounding board | Libby’s decisions |
| I can encourage others | Libby’s actions |
| I can be a loving grandmother | What Libby did or didn’t say |
| I can help fund and then trust the family counselor | Her daughter and son-in-law’s actions/inactions |
| I can trust my daughter and son-in-law’s parenting |
This exercise helped Celine see that she too was out of control. Recognizing that her efforts to this point were not effective, she shifted her role as Libby’s grandmother from advising to listening, from rescuing Libby to supporting Libby’s parents, from being frustrated to being a non-judgmental observer, and from being an armchair quarterback to trusting the professional counseling that Libby was receiving.
Celine readily applied the tools we practiced in life coaching sessions, and as a result, she not only slept better and found more peace, she began to see her daughter and son-in-law grow into more confident parents. Libby too began to find her genuine self.
While the experience with Celine was positive for all parties, I noticed that the left-side of Celine’s Control Chart were primarily intangibles such as reflective listening, redirecting responsibility back to the parents, trusting the strength in others, providing encouragement, and ultimately letting go. These are no doubt soft, yet powerful skills, but I realized there are additional tangible things on the left-side of the Control Chart that we often don’t take responsibility for in challenging situations. Hence the tail wags the dog.
In my work as a principal, I learned there are five major areas I could manage, develop, and control to achieve our school vision and mission:
- Time – Scheduling the school day to maximize learning student learning and school resources
- Space – Assigning and organizing classrooms, common areas, and transitions to maximize learning
- Resources – Using money, materials, and supplies effectively and efficiently
- Knowledge – Providing effective professional development for teachers and engaging curriculum and instruction for students
- People – Using/developing the strengths of staff members and students and enhancing weak areas; building collaborative teams and providing interventions for students
Building on her previous Control Chart, I introduced these five areas to Celine. In subsequent sessions, Celine made some decisions as to how she might use these five areas to continue improving the challenging situation with Libby and her parents.
| Areas of Control | Celine’s decisions/actions |
| Time | – Celine realized she got tense and felt a sense of urgency when Libby or her daughter called. Instead of dropping everything when one of them called with an issue, Celine scheduled a follow-up phone call when she got home or when she had the emotional bandwidth to give the call her focused attention. – She communicated to her family members that she would not be taking any phone calls after 7:00 pm since late night calls interrupted her sleep at night. |
| Space | – Celine limited family gatherings at her house. Instead, they met at a restaurant where everyone tended to be on their better behavior. |
| Resources | – Celine offered to pay for a set number of family counseling sessions in addition to the individual therapy Libby was receiving. – She decided not to give Libby monetary gifts but instead gave her experiences with her and her family. These experiences were fun activities that the entire family could enjoy. |
| Knowledge | – Celine realized that Libby’s issues demanded a higher level of experience or expertise than she had. She curtained giving her daughter and son-in-law advice and encouraged them to find a family counselor with whom they had faith and confidence. This allowed Celine to resume her role as a loving grandmother. – She read recommended books for families experiencing similar challenges in order to educate herself. |
| People | – Celine invited supportive, emotionally healthy friends/family members to join in family gatherings. She designed some fun, interactive activities for all to participate in at these gatherings. – She scheduled monthly coaching sessions with me to help her stay on track with her new skills and to process her own feelings. |
When the tail wags the dog, we feel jerked around by external circumstances. We feel out of control because we are; we are not owning areas where we do have control. Control Charts effectively help us take back our power. They help us gain clarity. For Celine, it was an effective tool to guide her thinking and allow her to explore her options. When starting with a Control Chart, it is helpful to consider your possibilities in the areas of Time, Space, Resources, Knowledge, and People.
If you are feeling confused or overwhelmed with a challenging situation or family member, consider a few coaching sessions with me to find your positive path forward. Contact me at susanmwhitecoaching@gmail.com.
