I rely on my inner thoughts to guide me throughout my day as I handle daily tasks, upcoming plans, and interactions with others. My inner thoughts and dialogue are usually helpful.
But there are times when my inner voice turns on me. I find myself second guessing something I said or did. I begin to feel fear, or it can be an uncomfortable urge to eat, drink, or do something. Sometimes I experience looming dread, worry, or regret. When my inner voice gets triggered, it can feel like anxiety, loneliness, or boredom.
I call these feelings or thoughts inner disturbances. These non-peaceful feelings or thoughts are not always a bad thing. They often lead to mental problem-solving. They alert me to ask questions of self-reflection such as – What’s wrong? Why am I feeling this way? What do I need to do to feel better?
But when my inner thoughts begin to sour, loop or take over, they are no longer productive. I rationalize, blame, self-criticize, get busy, numb, or distract myself as I struggle to resolve the disturbance. And while I may find some temporary relief by giving up for the time being, or finding justification that legitimizes the disturbance, the struggle is never very far away.
So Tired of the Struggling
When my internal dialogue is overreactive or persistent, it saps my energy and confidence. I was so very tired of the relentless dialogue and the struggle with myself until I discovered IFS: Internal Family Systems therapy.
IFS is a non-pathologizing approach designed to help us resolve our inner disturbances by accessing and healing our protective and wounded inner parts. It was developed by Dr. Richard Schwartz.
In IFS training, I learned that these inner disturbances are actually parts of ourselves that are trying to protect us from perceived harm and difficult emotions. For example, I have a part of myself I call my WOT (What Others Think). This young part thinks that to feel liked, loved, or included, I need others to like me as well. WOT’s goal is to protect me from any form of rejection.
When interacting with others, my WOT is on high alert, making sure that I do things well, I don’t make mistakes, I am kind, I please others, and on and on. My WOT zealously anticipates anything that might lead to rejection. It critiques what I wear, how I act, what I say, and often interrogates my decisions well after they are made. While my WOT means well and is at times helpful, too much inner struggling with WOT keeps me from being fully present. My WOT may keep me from being honest with others, supporting my best interests, or making better decisions.
Checking in with Your Inner Self
When we begin to feel the inner disturbances rising to the forefront, it can be useful to take a moment. Go inside yourself and see if you can feel or locate the disturbance, urge, or nagging angst. Refrain from thinking and see if you can simply notice what’s going on inside of you. If your rationalizing or problem-solving thoughts start to chime in, ask them to step back for a bit so you can pay attention to and listen to the disturbance. It might surface as a sensation, tightness, a heaviness, an image, or some disquiet or negative energy. Create a little space for whatever is there and seems to want your attention.
The initial reaction may be to struggle with or push away the part that is causing the disturbance. Struggle begets struggle. In IFS, we are encouraged to do the opposite. Instead of wrestling with the disturbances, I get curious about them. Like a loving mentor, I have a sincere interest in getting to know my WOT. What is she afraid would happen if she didn’t work so hard to get others to like me? How long has she been doing this for me? What does she want me to know about her experience?
In this process, I begin to see and feel the WOT as somewhat separate from me. In IFS terms, this is called “unblending.” Blending is like a tea bag (WOT) in hot water (me). “Unblending” is seeing the tea bag separate from the water. This step alone can cause the struggling part to lighten up or relax because we realize the part is not us. It’s simply a part of us that has been forced into an extreme position by previous wounding, loss, or mistaken beliefs we formed when we were younger.
In coaching sessions, we get to know whatever comes up. As a coach, I will help you learn about the tapes that are running in the background and together we will get to know and befriend the parts of you that are desperately trying to help you – even if they aren’t currently using the most productive methods. Getting to know the intent of our parts and witnessing their experiences start the healing process.
The Real Me
As we get to know our parts, we begin to see the full picture of our wise, benevolent Self. Clients refer to this Self as my Wholeness, the Space between My Parts, my True Self, who God created me to be, or who I am outside my family of origin or culture. The Self is calm, compassionate, and curious. As we meet our full Self, we can see the loving mentor within who is able to lead us with confidence.
Whether using IFS or other methodologies, getting to know our inner selves intimately and building a compassionate relationship with parts of ourselves is key to finding personal peace and living authentically. When we get to know our inner system, we realize we can be our own best friend because we know ourselves best.
Healing our parts also allows us to be a positive influence in the lives of others. As we struggle less with ourselves, we have more emotional energy and awareness to discover the unique gifts our parts have to offer others. We are less triggered by life’s ups and downs and more able to give to those around us in addition to giving to ourselves.
A Supportive Guide
Contact me if you’d like me to be your Guide as you get acquainted with your inner parts. Having an honest conversation with your True Self, so you can fully savor your life – now that seems like an idea worth talking about.
To learn more about IFS, please visit https://ifs-institute.com/.
