When Too Much is Just Too Much

It was Thanksgiving weekend. We had out-of-town family visiting for the holiday. I had committed to preparing Thanksgiving dinner, fresh off three busy days of work with looming deadlines waiting on the other side of the holiday. My teenage son was playing in his high school-sponsored basketball tournament, and I couldn’t stop thinking about how my 80+ mother would spend the holiday alone. While we were a relatively healthy family where everyone regularly pitched in and helped each other out, the demands of this week were entirely too much for any of us.

Twenty years later, I still feel the tightness in my stomach, and the weight on the back of my neck with I think about that time. I don’t have treasured memories of the holiday. I have memories of being engulfed. Why didn’t I take a more practical, doable approach that Thanksgiving? And why have I fallen into a similar hole of being overwhelmed since?

Many of us are living lives of too much – too much stuff, too many distractions, too much social media, too much news, too much environmental destruction, too much extravagance, too much noise, and simply too many things crammed into each day/week. So why do we keep living this way?

Little did I know at the time that I had internalized limiting beliefs. Deep down I thought that if I couldn’t do it all, I wasn’t a good mom, principal, wife – I wasn’t enough. Pleasing and making things easier for others felt less threatening than doing what was practical and equitable.

The problem with this thinking is that no matter how much I did it would never be enough. I was climbing a ladder with no end. Unbeknownst to us when our inner sense of enough-ness is tenuous, an insatiable force takes over our lives, pushing us until we fall from exhaustion.

Losing our Enough-ness

As we mature, many of us realize we are losing the battle knowing what is enough. We begin to realize we are not happy, feel more tired than energized, feel as if life is jerking us around, experience less meaningful relationships, or we realize we require more stuff, shopping, substances, activities, or other distractions to feel okay.

This quest for more isn’t entirely our doing. Our capitalistic, spend economy profits from our “need for more” tendencies; enough-ness isn’t nearly as marketable. It’s so easy to get swept up by society’s traditions, others’ expectations, and luring comparisons.

Coaching strategies can help us see and heal limited beliefs that create a “too much” lifestyle. Additionally, in lieu of judging and struggling with ourselves, I’ve found it beneficial to rediscover our hunger for meaning, authenticity, peace, contentment, good health, and calm.

Find the Enough Feeling

What does enough-ness feel like to you? “Enough” for me feels like I can breathe free. My shoulders relax. I can be present without distractions pushing or pulling me internally or externally. I feel balanced, stable, sturdy. There is settle-ness in my belly. It’s a precursor to peace. Enough-ness allows us to take back control of our lives and our decisions.

To find your “enough-ness”, consider these strategies:

• Give yourself wait-time. Before saying yes to a commitment or event, give yourself time to ponder if this activity contributes to your overall well-being. Responses to consider:

 

1. 1. “Let me give it some thought, and I’ll get back to you tomorrow.”
   2. “Once I check my calendar and family needs, I’ll let you know.”

Using wait time has been the most powerful step in reclaiming the lives and priorities of my clients. If you do nothing else, give yourself the gift and habit of wait time. You don’t have to say, “no,” but by allowing yourself space and time to think, you give yourself time to reflect on whether this action is a wise next step for you. Even little intervals of wait time, short pauses, can reap big results.

• Check in with your body. Does this request, activity, or opportunity give you the “no” or “yes” feeling? Does it cause tightness or lightness in your shoulders or stomach? Does it feel heavy or more like freedom? The body doesn’t lie and it keeps the score, so it’s worth listening to its responses.

• Discover and familiarize yourself with your “this is enough, just right” feeling. See if this feeling can settle into your bones so you can tap into it in the future.

• Ask: “What do I need right now?” Consider if this request is a want or a need. Often, we just add on to our to-do lists without first diagnosing what our bodies, hearts, minds, and families need. Sometimes we just need less, to relax, breathe, enjoy a drink of water, or create more inner or external space.

• Does this purchase, activity, or opportunity align with my values?  For example, I find excessive, over-the-top weddings, birthday or anniversary celebrations often generate unnecessary expense and/or debt, stress, and waste which are things I don’t value. In contrast, I find simple celebrations more meaningful.

• Recognize the “not enough” feeling is just a part of you, not you as your real/true or authentic self. Often this part of us was responding to our family members and environment when we were young and we drew inaccurate conclusions about our worth.

Benefits of connecting with our “enough-ness” feeling:

1. Improved health habits because we are more in touch with what our body needs. Often our bodies feel better when we listen to them.
2. Less buying and taking on fewer objects and/or obligations. Being mindful of what objects we bring into our homes helps us to be more willing to let go of objects no longer in use.
3. Less stress
4. More meaning in whatever we engage
5. Stronger ability to prioritize nourishing relationships and experiences over physical stuff and packed schedules.

I recently attended a multi-day family gathering and celebration. My goal was not to get sucked into the family drama or the extravagance of the occasion. Instead, I wanted to prioritize being enough, allowing myself to be open-hearted and loving. I carved out time each day for quiet reflection and rest by retiring earlier and/or getting up earlier than others. I built in wait time by listening more and responding less. I turned down an invitation to a nail salon with others to take a walk instead. I chose foods that made my digestive tract happy while still enjoying some treats that caught my eye. When I had negative thoughts or uncomfortable judgments, I took a little time to admit and process those thoughts in my journal. And when the weekend ended, I felt more peace and satisfaction. I didn’t participate in everything but what I did was enough.

If you’re struggling to reconnect with your enough-ness or think you have underlying barriers to taking ownership of your life, consider coaching with me. Contact me at susanmwhitecoaching@gmail.com.